Thursday, April 14, 2011

Love & Relationship: Things Not To Tell Your Partner If You Want Your Relationship To Last

Ooopps! I have always thought when you are in a relationship, you are some way fixed together with your partner and as such, he/she must know all  that you know. I am not the kind of person who likes to hide things from the partner, not because I am a talkative or cannot keep a secret. This is solely because no matter how clean or non-malicious something is, if you do not tell your partner and it pops up later somewhere, he/she begins to look beyond the ordinary…
Anyway, I just stumbled upon the below article on Yahoo which seems to suggest that I am wrong with my approach to telling my partner everything. Maybe, this is why today, I am still looking for that partner who will stay forever. Do not fall into my pit, read below for what may help your relationship…

Chatting about your day at work, sharing your most intimate feelings, admitting to cheating… communication has become the focal point of modern relationships, with many a relationship sunk following a communication faux pas.
Today, relationship codes have changed and a fusional couple is no longer an ideal model. Having a drink with a friend, or dinner with an ex – without telling him… This was unthinkable a few decades back, but quite the norm today!
The ‘me’ is no longer absorbed into the ‘we’ and independence is sacred, individuality to be cultivated; up to a certain point, that is. Do you know when to let it all out and when to keep your mouth shut?

What should you be telling your partner?

“Not telling all is actually a sign of maturity,” says psychologist Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. On the other hand, demanding total transparency is a sign of a lack of self-confidence.
According to the psychoanalyst Catherine Bensaïd, playing the total honesty card in a relationship carries the risk of trivialising honesty. “Sharing it all with your partner without limit, puts your mystery at risk – a power that is essential in the game of seduction.” Without taking the immaturity of over-the-top verbose communication into account.
“If I systematically go through every single little detail of my day point-by-point, I feel like I’ve become a child again answering all the questions my mum asked me,” says Fran. In the long term this kind of endless verbosity is so boring and passion-numbing that you risk ending up as friends rather than lovers.

The right moment for telling the “big” stuff

While little secrets are necessary, certain silences can be really heavy in a relationship. “Being fired or getting diagnosed with an illness are subjects that need to be discussed,“ says Malarewicz. Feeling comfortable talking about the “big” subjects is in this case, a sign of your confidence in your partner. So many couples have come out of serious situations even stronger because of good communication between them.
Sharing your feelings should be natural, but not at any time or place. Both of you have your own past and emotional baggage that should be understood and taken into consideration. No point wanting to get it all out there in the heat of a massive dispute or in a moment of difficulty. Catherine Bensaïd advises that you, “Waiting for the right moment is the foundation of respectful communication within a couple”. And be attentive to how you talk and how you are listening to your partner.

To tell or not to tell… that is the question!

These few tips should help you find the middle ground between brutal honesty and deafening silence:
  • What you should not tell: your little secrets – You’ve been hanging around with your best friend after work and so of course, you’ve come home late. Or you’ve haddinner with an ex. You know that it’s going to make your partner go crazy, with a fight sure to follow. Shhh! Keep it to yourself and you’ll avoid useless discussions and squabbles, while keeping your freedom in tact, with no damage (for either of you).
  • What you should tell: all about money – You’ve caved in a bought the latest iPad or Jimmy Choo shoes – blowing the budget in the process. Tell your partner about it and find a solution to the budget blowout together: don’t eat out for the next couple weeks for example. If you’ve been fired, there’s no use in pretending to go to work everyday (it’s more common than you’d imagine). Just put your cards on the table and let your partner offer you a little support.
  • Maybe you should tell or maybe not: cheating on them – As far as cheating is concerned, you should probably tell him about it if is a direct result of a problem in your couple. “We’re not getting on anymore and I’m seeing someone else.”  However, if it was a one-night stand in a moment madness at an office party, there’s probably no need to own up… You probably already feel guilty, are loving your partner even more now, and you aren’t planning a repeat, so telling them will serve little purpose.

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